In my spirit . . .

My spirit lives in my body, my mind and my emotions. This is how I choose to live in the world.

Recently, I revisited the movie “Peaceful Warrior” based on Dan Millman’s book “The Way of the Peaceful Warrior”. In 1985 the book was given to me by a woman who walked into my picture framing shop in Ojai, California; putting the book down on the sales counter she said . . . “read this and when you are finished you will pass it on.” I did. The book became a metaphor for me; how I would choose teachers and move into the realms of metaphysical and physical truth . . . it was a foreshadowing for me of how I would choose to live in my physical body and in the realms of spirit – here and now.

I joined a group of people who meditated together and took spontaneous late night hikes into the mountains of Ojai and into the Mojave Desert. We bounced the moon, dissolved mountains, and I felt myself disappear. I experienced the sensation of more space between the molecules . . . I sensed myself beyond my thoughts and emotions . . . this was the magic. I understood levels of perception that were very seductive. I glimpsed into my non-physical realms and saw how I could live in expanded consciousness; however, I chose to leave the group after I began Reichian Therapy where I found internal expansions of emotional and physical expression. I found the sensations of inner wisdom emanating from my body.

Through this part of my awakening I continued to self medicate with alcohol; this was the way I would control my body’s reactions and responses to sensation and emotion. Then, unexpectedly, in September of 1988 I awoke at 2 am one morning to be sober. I stopped drinking any alcohol for the next 18 years. I was connecting with my body, sensing it and feeling, in some of the most uncomfortable ways. No longer hiding, I was in the deepest journey inward. I enrolled in the Hakomi Therapy training where I turned on my inner sense of awareness. Through practice of mindfulness I changed; within myself and in my relationships with others. I had made the choice to find clarity in my actions, thoughts and emotions. Later on I realized that it was the magic and the alcohol that numbed me from the pain that I felt in my separation from my personal truth. Suddenly, I was meeting myself for the first time; being revealed to myself.

Seeing the simplicity of Millman’s “Peaceful Warrior” reminded me of the truths that I discovered through the late 80’s into the 90’s. The journey into spirit can be complex, yet the practice of spirit is in everyday, it must be simple and most of all it is personal. For me the way into spirit is alchemical and unfixed; to be in my spirit is to be in a body that is strong and evolving, to choose teachers who serve my development in all four realms – physical, mental, emotional and in spirit, and to feel supported into self-guided revelation, clarity, insight and awareness. At the end of the movie Nick Nolte (Dan’s mentor “Socrates”), speaks in a voice-over while Dan is in a moment of stillness during a competition on the gymnastic rings:

“Dan, where are you?”

“Here”

“What time is it?”

“Now”

This is it for me . . . to be in a body of sensation and emotion . . . this is who I am in spirit . . . the here and now . . . in the practices of my body·mind·spirit . . . when I look, listen and I am patient from within to wait and know who I am.

In my emotions . . .

My journey into my emotions began in 1986 with “re-birthing”; strange to sense and feel my body with the aspiration and buzz of circular breathing – the numbing and cramping of my fingers, hands and face. Wanting more from my body – more sensation than numbing – I turned to Reichian Therapy in Ojai, California. Each week waiting outside the treatment room, slight trembling throughout my body, I would enter into the unknown and exit changed through my awareness of what I had hidden from myself.

I always thought of myself as an emotional person; a guy who was not afraid of his feelings. Yet, what I did not know was how I hid in my sadness which masked so many parts of me. This work was done nude on the treatment table – exposing my body’s armor allowing my therapist to witness my physical energy of holding-on. For a long time I lay on the treatment table, pulling my heels to my hips, and breathing into my chest, I could not move past the sad little boy. Then, one day, falling into my body’s sensations of sadness, I moved through something in me, I began to writhe, kick and yell – I found a depth of rage that was immense. Several sessions went this way. I remember, during one of my kicking and thrashing moments, my therapist saying to me, “You have to find a way to use all of this drama.”

Then a shift. In all of my antics of kicks and punches I felt and heard a snap in my chest as if my sternum had broken in half. I lay spread out arms and legs spent, drenched in sweat, sobbing in a depth I had never felt. My therapist looking over me, directly into my eyes – both of us with tears streaming – she asked, “Who loves you?” I answered, “I don’t know.” She smiled saying, “I do.” For the very first time I felt what I had missed most of my life . . . an unconditional loving of myself and a sense of being loved by another. This was an emotional and sentient moment that I will never forget!

My body took me to the gateway of choice. And, I chose . . . to enter my body; to begin a journey of deconstruction and invention. I got a divorce and struggled to keep my place in my son’s life. I went into the darkest parts of me and found a way through to other aspects of the man I am becoming. The journey continues.

I embrace my body’s ability hold and release emotion; its wisdom of truth. My emotions keep me honest when my body gets distracted and my mind wants to change the subject. My emotions bring me to a sense of compassion for myself and everybody else. I love the part of my body that is my emotions for their presence make me human.

In the practice of mind . . . it is the mind through the body

Practice of the mind is in and through the body; my body is the vessel of my mind. Without my body I would not exist; therefore, it is my physical body that is the “temple” of my mind. My mind witnesses and notices all that I am doing in my body, my thoughts and in my emotions. It is my mind that observes my brain – the anatomical/physiological director of all that happens in my body·mind·spirit. Who I am is formed by my minds interconnection and relationship with my body, mind, emotions and spirit.

In practices of mind/body and body/mind there is a plethora of choices to experience; ancient and contemporary, self resourced and community based – there are many disciplines of practice. Movers move and sitters sit; this is a range of possibilities in the practice of the body. I choose to move in my own interpersonal work. To be in my body through movement where there is a continuum of dynamic ease, there is also stillness. I choose to practice mindful/“body-full” movement where I listen to my body through sensation hearing the “voices of my body”.

When I discovered moving meditation I found the gateway to myself. Sitting can be a strong discipline in which one can meditate deeply; what I discovered for myself was the strength of meditating deeply in the movement. To focus on my body moving without the distractions of thoughts, emotions or my “to do list”, my body moves with an intimate innate sense of “self”. My body loves to move and find the inner sense of stillness as much as my body loves to sit or stand in stillness finding the inner sense of connection to my body’s way. These are important parts to my practice of mind, in my body – to be here, now.

In my mind . . .

It is only in my mind that I get confused. My body does what it does, and in doing, it seeks ease and grace. My mind is the part of me that thinks and evaluates and sometimes gets triggered with fear and doubt that what I am doing is not enough or is not the right thing. It is my mind that tweaks perceptions into truths or fantasies; it can we a wonderful place of contentment and non-doing or it can ravage me with inner dialogue that keeps me awake at night.

 As a theater artist and a teacher of movement it is my mind that keeps me in my place of upholding standards and particular levels of quality in certain matters. It is also the part of me that balances the check book and operates my computer. It is my mind that needs the rest and the re-set when I sense overwhelm in my emotions, thoughts and tensions in my body.

It is also my mind that is a great communicator. It uses language, images, ideas and thoughts to share with another. It receives and comprehends information, artfully created language, and describes a world that surrounds me. It is my verbal communicator. It is the thinker of thoughts and the organizer of images. It is the part of me that seeks the purpose and the metaphor in all that is.

In this exercise of blogging, my mind is what I sense working, even with my fingers on the keyboard; touching and hearing the keys and the sounds of the tapping. This, like movement in my body, is of high JOY. It is my mind that keeps me in my body – the brain and the creative source – that part of me that chooses to create. That part that drives my will to be and do . . . my mind is my guide inside my body.

In the body of practice . . . it is the body not the mind

Practice is in the body more than the mind. It is in my physical body that I live on earth. And, rather than think about it I must act upon it and practice. My body’s wisdom is more ancient than my neo-cortex and higher brain functions. It is without thinking that my brain interfaces with my body in movement as well as (without thinking) movement of my body stimulates my brain. It is in my body that I will find ways to maintain my body’s integrity of well-being through practice – through movement. My “mind” is more than my brain, it is my witness to my process of healing and health and fitness in my body·mind·spirit.

In my teachings of Nia, Nia 5 Stages and what I call “Integrating Pilates” (based on the fundamentals inherent of the work of Joseph H. Pilates, Ron Fletcher, and Nia). The whole body commitment to well-being is through movement. And, it is the breath that weaves the body, mind, emotions and spirit integration into expressive movement – through awareness of sensation. Once the body’s sensations are acknowledged the body relaxes into stillness, the mind is alert without inner dialogue, and the spirit is in the present moment of waiting – waiting in what is and what is to be.

I am a kinesthetic and visual learner having learned how to listen to my body. I teach from what I learn: integration in my body is the guide to my awakening and to my survival in all that is changing in my personal life and in the world. I must practice every day . . . and move my body·mind·spirit.

To move is to heal and find health and fitness . . . it is The Body’s Way (Nia). In order to be healthy for a life time we must practice in the body everyday.

In my body . . .

I am learning to be comfortable with discomfort. My body is not the part of me that is in discomfort it is my mind and emotions that are ignited by my spirit. I am finding my way to be with this discomfort of not knowing what will happen, how it will happen and who I will become in it happening.

Social Media is the new way and this is my first blog. To find a way of writing about my feelings, thoughts and actions of being a Theater Artist who teaches embodiment as a practice. To seek, find and enjoy the sensation of being in a body; a body that creates through the movement of feelings and thoughts.

I am looking for my tribe. To share with others what it is to be a creative and artistic mover and thinker. To be stimulated through movement finding the creative source of me and to have the courage to express it!

The movement of movement! To be in a body that moves into the actions of sharing myself with others. This is a journey and a quest.

Making my first steps of typing these words I trust that this writing will open me up to a world of the unknown and I will dance into it.